he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
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