if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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