True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
