my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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