Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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