We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Randomize
