i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
