Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I said "one day" and that day is not today
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize