Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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