i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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