3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i don't like sucking hair
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
