Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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