Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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