I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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