She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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