He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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