so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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