Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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