If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
