did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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