it wasn't lemon gatorade
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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