Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
