I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Randomize
