you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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