I showed him my bush... on skype.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I booty called her while she was in labor.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
