All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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