I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
