I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
