The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize