yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Randomize
