It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Randomize
