Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Randomize
