Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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