Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
