smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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