Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
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