I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
she peed on how many people?
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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