just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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