He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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