watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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