I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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