Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Why is there bacon in the couch?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize