no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Randomize
