the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
