guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Never joke about your clitoris.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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