Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
