i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Randomize
