I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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