Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
It's shark week go big or go home
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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