I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
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