Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I skipped work to stalk him.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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