If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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