and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
