too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
