I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
