My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
