that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
