I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
