I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
