I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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