I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
