What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize